Living as the Alphabet
I have always known that there is no limit to the type of, kind of, color of, religion of, class of, person that I could love. As a child I just wanted everyone to see that love is everywhere, that kindness is everywhere, and that being loving, kind, gentle etc. is the best feeling in the world. Overtime I wanted to believe that I lost that point of view, but truthfully it is how I have always operated. There is no limit to who can be loved, and more importantly who can be loved by you.
I grew up in a predominantly white area, with predominantly white friends who were presenting in their assigned biological genders. In fact, the idea that you could be another gender, or no gender, or some kind of grey area in between all of that wasn't even on the table as of twenty years ago.
I was considered different because I didn't date in high school. I was called a lesbian, or at least people assumed that about me because I wasn't dating a boy, so I must be gay. The truth was and is that I never saw value in dating someone I knew I wasn't interested in, and I was not interested in the people I went to school with in that way.
Things massively improved in college when I was still not acting like the other girls. I was spinning out my first year at school. I was free to be me, and everyone felt that it was their job to give me nicknames. I was posted on a gossip website as being and acting like a man with regard to how I conducted myself. I embraced it fully. I was going to be the manliest, female presenting person, anyone had ever seen. I wanted to prove everyone right, meanwhile feeling so wrong, confused, and alone. It didn't work, being the me everyone else thought I was, didn't work.
Today most people assume that my short hair, glasses, clothing, and general demeanor put me somewhere on the spectrum of LGBTQIAEP+. They never ask, they mostly assume, I get put into boxes or slapped with labels and the best part for me is? None of them are wrong! I am queer, I am a lesbian, I am bisexual, I am gay, I am an ally, I am all of it. My perspective is that living without a label creates a greater possibility for me. I choose every 10 seconds who I would like to be, what I would like to choose, and I go for it. I ask myself what is true for me, and I follow that to the best of my ability.
I have noticed the times I have felt pressure to identify, pressure to lock down "Who am I?" I fear that I will offend people if I don't gender and sexually label myself, so I have to get it right...right? I am a cis, white, female presenting, masculine etc etc etc. Lately I have been asking, What if you didn't have to get it right? What if being you, exactly as you are is the true gift of this world?
I have been getting calls from individuals who say, "I think I am (blank)" we talk, and I hear the longing in their voice for someone to hear them, to tell them they are right, that what they are feeling and have felt for so long is real. The most beautiful thing about something like being you, is that you cannot be wrong. I know this is true for me. There is nothing greater than choosing for me (if this is not true for you, please exit this article). What I mean when I say choosing, is that I drop the point of view that I am or need to be anything for anyone else but me. (I want to acknowledge that everyone may not feel able to express themselves out in the open, and again, you are not wrong for what you are choosing.) Being you, is the ultimate perversion in this world because it is the very thing that can change it.
My ask is that you start to acknowledge the gift that you are, as you are. There is no wrong choice, there is only possibility. And again, if this doesn't sound right for you that's okay! I am not here to change anyone's mind, I am just reaching out to those of you reading this who feel less alone now than when you started reading. Be you, and lets change the world!